Listening to that song that makes me smile, that i haven't heard in awhile, that just took me back a few months. Walking in place by Pgroove. I remember the first time he played it for me. He was lying on my bed, smiling. He always smiles. Weird to think I wasn't as comfortable as I was with him that I am now. It was still new. I didn't let him in yet.

It was more than a crush though, a connection. I remember taking a complete 180. He made me so happy in such a short period of time. For once, I didn't want to leave college. He met me at such a crossroads, I was graduating in a month, he still had a year and a half left.

Before I took off to New York, I was still at school. Packing my life away waiting for Christmas break, when my flight would arrive in Maine to meet his family.

He sent me a song every night to help me sleep.

I remember when I got off that plane. There was a moment. I was so nervous. Would it be awkward? Is everything just how I remember it? It was perfect. He was waiting for me, in his plaid shirt. He was perfect.

I remember not knowing his music. Having to ask whose playing on the stereo in the car. I remember how he used to smile when I remembered a song. This boy has changed my life.

And I remember leaving that night in New York City after New Years to get on that train as he headed back to Maine. He picked me up, we kissed. He just looked me, he said I looked like I was about to cry. Oh man.

I hugged that stuffed puppy every night, missing him more than I thought I could ever miss a person. I lied there with my headphones on, listening to that song.

After I ventured off into the real world for awhile and all those plans I thought I had backfired. He was there. He was there waiting for me at the bus station in Boston after I had a nervous breakdown in New York. He held me, told me everything would be okay.

And there my life began in Boston. He went apartment hunting with me and stuck by all those miserable temp jobs.

How did he know that I wanted to be somebody's baby? How did he make me forget every single other guy I've been with? He undid all that damage. He weaseled his way into my heart. Showed me things I never knew were out there.

I remember spending all those nights with him, not hooking up, just a making out. I remember him making me laugh. And cuddling. I'm smiling just thinking about it.

The first guy to ever call me beautiful. Oh god, do I remember how that felt the first time he said that. We were having sex, I was on top.

I remember the day he called me his girlfriend. And all we went through to say the L word. I look back at what got me to now. To this point of gratefulness. Of having gone through so much, only to end up right back in Boston with my boy. But maybe I needed to go through all that. Maybe those are the learning experiences "they" always are talking about.

Two years ago before I knew him, I sat on a bench on the Pavillon, overlooking the Brooklyn Bridge. The weather was perfect, I was just finishing up my internship and not ready to go back to school. I found a place that I thought made me whole. I marked it on a note in my ipod so that I would get back there someday. I must've been travelling - going to Boston one weekend to visit him when I found that note. It was such a simple thought, I remember exactly how I felt when I wrote it because that's the way I feel now. That's the moment when I knew he made me whole. That's when I realized he was my New York.

It's been eleven months, sixteen shows, four jobs, and countless on the spot whole foods adventures later.We've been through so much, he still tells me I'm beautiful, I don't need to wear make up around him, I think I love him more every second I spend with him if that's even possible, and yes, he still makes me whole.

I love you baby, thank you for making me the happiest girl in the world.

I had the strongest memory of freshman year today as i walked into the downstairs bathroom of the library. Yeah, I know what you're thinking. GROSS. Bathroom? What...that's dirty. But no, it's like this. 

I haven't been in that bathroom since well, first semester of last year when I had that eng lol class upstairs. I was brand new. So pure, so naive, definitely innocent and well, adjusting to this newfound place I was suppose to call home for the upcoming year and possibly so on.

I remember walking in to the bathroom many months ago and just staring at myself in the long horizontal mirror in front of the stalls. It's hard to describe exactly how I felt at that precise moment. I wouldn't say I felt complete...no, Id hadn't felt that sense of completeless until well into the end of second semester when my circle of friends had become more of a family and sense of security. You see I never really fit in well during high school and I never got the chance to really make close friends like that and grasp the sort of comfort. It was such a new feeling that it was almost overwhelming. It took me by surprise and by storm and well I kinda lost that part of me where I never allowed myself to depend on people for happiness and comfort and trust. And well, now that I look at it was that overwhelming feeling that helped crush me in the end. Never reliying on anyone and then suddenly relying all the time. The ups and downs, it's intense.

But back to my freshman flashback...

If i had to, I would describe that feeling as being ready. Not knowng what lied ahead, but just being ready to go with it. Ready to fall into the depths of college. And I did. But I fell hard. And I crashed and here I am. But just remembering, getting a taste of that old feeling, the feeling of not knowing, not having any regrets, not caring, just felt refreshing.  

in life...seriously i've done the calculations and that's what it came out to.

so these last

few mistakes? FUCK THAT .i'm just getting started. ha

oh and my new goal? i'm gonna try to stop fixing everything in my life. it's not my responsiblilty to turn a hook up into a relationship. no matter how much faith i put into it. i just have to learn to except that things can take a radical turn and it's fine if i was wrong all along...or at least the vast majority of the time.

from the wise words of green day, "you can't go forcing something if it's just not right."

someday your gonna have to let it go...

hyperlittlerockstar xo